Hollow Revenge

Hollow Revenge

By Bishop Conner

The periodic crunch of feet digging into the snow resounded throughout the grim atmosphere. The milky light from the orb in the night up above showered a lone warrior in its glory. The glistening armor encased his left shoulder and left pectoral muscle while exposing his right side to the tenacious stings of the cold. The warrior shook off the breeze like a bear would a bee, maintaining an unyielding stance as he strolled home. However, as impeccable as his posture may have been, it was immediately breached by the horrid stench of the battlefield as smoke began filling the man’s nostrils and lungs.

It wasn’t long before pitch black smoke began to occupy the air directly in front of the warrior. With absolutely no hesitation, he broke out into a sprint, maximizing his strides to cover as much ground as he possibly could in a short amount of time. Although the warrior moved with the strides of a horse and swiftness of a cheetah, he was still far too slow to race against the clock. His home had already begun collapsing on itself, and all means of entry were blocked off by the wicked flames of Hell. Navigating through the immense smoke clouds while holding his arm across his mouth and nostrils, the warrior saw the terror up close and personal. The warrior who appeared to be the mightiest of all was now brought to his knees in defeat; the orange flames flickering in his eyes as tears began streaming down his cheeks.

“Father!!!”

The voice shrieked over roaring flames and tumbling timber. Even still, the cry for help was ultimately for naught; destiny was inevitable. It was also the last word that Leo Tamashī would ever hear his beloved nine-year-old daughter speak. Decades worth of bone-aching training in the  way of the Samurai and nothing to show for it. In the face of the agonizing asphyxiation of his wife and daughter writhing in the blaze and squirming under the lumber.

The sight caused a psychological pain that resonated within Leo for the remainder of his existence; driving him to an unhealthy obsession with vengeance. Such ambition pushed him away from his life-long dedication to the Bushido code: he had evicted the idea of mercy for anyone from his mind, his self control had abandoned him, hatred now clouded his sincerity. As a result of this utter defiance, Leo was banished from his clan and stripped of his title as Samurai, becoming what was known as a Ronin. The scent of his smoldering home and the hopeless cries of both his daughter and wife desperately calling for him haunted him in the night, depriving him of sleep. The nightmares had to stop, the weight of the guilt on Leo’s chest felt like a safe crushing his sternum. They were gone…Forever. No matter what the cost, Leo would have his revenge. He knew who was responsible.

 

Five Years later

Seated on a stool at a tea house in a village  with snow covering a good portion of the rest of the houses and shops, is a man dressed in red peasant-like clothing and a straw hat. Next to the man, Leaning up against a countertop was a fairly long bamboo stick,  The aroma of a myriad of different spices and food filled the air. Workers dressed in ivory uniforms circled around the store. Lanterns were lit to brighten the shop, reflecting off the chestnut walls. A waitress with a beautiful sunshine painted across her face approached the sphinxlike man.

“The usual will be fine?” the waitress asked.

“Of course,” the man responded in a rather gruff voice.

Two more individuals dressed in higher class clothing entered the tea house pushing open the ivory curtains that displayed large crimson Japanese characters. Taking seats beside the man in the straw hat, they immediately began to converse. The man in the straw hat, as usual, kept to himself, his head lowered and his face hidden by his straw hat making it  difficult for anyone to even ponder on what he could have been thinking.

“So, have you heard about the festival tonight at Okada Province?” One of the two men asked.

“I have not, but I presume you must wish to attend if you’ve brought this up to me,”

“Let’s just say that I have a proposition for Lord Okada.”

It was at the very last chunk of that exchange between the two men that the man in the straw hat’s head jerked upward like an eager serpent poised to strike.

The man in the straw hat asked in a slightly demanding tone.  “Lord Ishida Okada?”

“Yes,” one of the men responded.

“However, I don’t think that an event housed by a man of stature such as Lord Ishida Okada would have much to offer for people like…you.”  The man in the straw hat clenched his fist just a tad from the blatant disrespect. To judge one based on appearance was beyond ignorant, but his calm nature drove him to loosen his hand.

“I’m sure ‘Lord’ Okada will come to find the utmost of bliss in receiving a visit from an old friend,” said the man in the straw hat.  Before anyone else could respond, the waitress with a smoking cup of tea in one hand and a plate of sugary biscuits in the other interrupted them. She set them down on the countertop before turning her attention to the two men who sat beside the man in the straw hat.

“How can I serve you two today?” She asked.

“We’ll take your best vegetable soup,” one of the men answered, speaking for both of them. As the waitress went to prepare their dish, one of them spoke out loud to the man in the straw hat in a pompous tone.

“Well, if Lord Ishida actually chooses to waste even a little bit of his time with you, it’ll have to wai-…”  The man came to an abrupt pause as he looked to his left to see that the man in the straw hat was no longer present. He had vanished into thin air, his tea and food remained, still smoking but he, along with the bamboo stick, were gone. Looks of confusion plastered across both of the men’s faces at the empty seat, how could he have disappeared so suddenly?

“Maybe it’s good that we didn’t order the tea?”

Ishida Okada, the name that had forcefully taken residence inside of Leo’s head. Right next to the nightmarish images of the charred bodies of his wife and daughter: Asuka and Hana. It was because his mind was so locked into the details of this ‘festival,’ that he hadn’t slit the jugulars of the men in the tea house for their disrespect. He may have lacked self control,but he didn’t lack focus. He had waited for the opportune moment to take his revenge. The news of this festival meant Ishida would be out in the open. The man in the Straw hat, Leo Tamashī was now on the hunt. Vengeance was destined to be his.

 

-Just a few hours later-

The moon beamed down upon Leo as he had finally reached Okada province. Licking his chops, he could almost taste Ishida’s blood. The festival had already started, sudden explosions were followed by rainbow colors, the lanterns lit the sky and breathed life into the streets.  A multitude of civilians amassed in usually vacant lots. Unfortunately, Leo wasn’t here to enjoy the view, he was hardly a tourist. Instead, the Ronin made his way past everyone, placing open palms on the chests and shoulders of those in his path and forcing them every which way, bumping people, not caring about whatever it is they might be holding. Leo headed directly to where he imagined a man of Ishida’s stature to be, loitering around in the town square pandering to the masses like a buffoon.

After a few minutes of maneuvering through the sea of humanity, Leo reached the town square. There he found his inference to be true. There he was, Ishida Okada. Once Samurai General, now a Kenin, with the insurance policy of a dozen foot soldiers dressed in silver armour whilst Ishida was dressed in expensive red silk with gold trim. There he was, mouthing off to the public while they paid attention like mindless drones. With measly hand gestures, Ishida commanded the attention of everyone within the immediate vicinity, silencing them like an adult would do to children. He was so revered that there was about ten feet feet of distance between him and the crowd on all sides. Practically, he was protected by the mass of people who circled him.

“Welcome, welcome to the first annual Okada festival here in Okada province. Despite what some may think, I am an ordinary man, a man that has made countless mistakes, I have done many things that I am not proud of, but that is why I have put together this festival, to show good faith and to repent for my sins.”

There was much sincerity in Ishida’s voice. It was the voice of a man who had taken time to reflect on himself not only in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense as well. He only hoped that he would have the support of the people with whom he would walk the path of repentance. Meanwhile, on the other side of the spectrum, Leo couldn’t help but cringe at Ishida’s words, to him they meant nothing, they were equivalent to garbage. He couldn’t stand to hear it anymore. He was going to end this nightmare. At the end of Ishida’s sentence, the crowd gave him a small round of applause to return the ‘good faith,’ showing that they were willing to work with him.

“There will be plenty of time to repent to your god after I send you to the afterlife,” a voice pierced through the split second of sheer silence after the crowd had finished their round of applause.

The foot soldiers placed their hands on the scabbards of their Katanas, ready to defend their leader. From the crowd, the source of the voice traced back to one Leo Tamashī, making his presence known as he stepped out of the crowd, bamboo stick in hand. Leo used a finger on his free hand to push his straw hat off, revealing his identity to the crowd and to Ishida.

“Ishida Okada, you are responsible for orchestrating the deaths of my daughter and wife: Asuka and Hana Tamashī. For that, I will have your head.”

A saddened expression crossed Ishida’s face as he was reminded of his past, how it disappointed him that his past had caught up with him. Ishida could only lower his head before responding:

“Leo Tamashī…I am deeply sorry for what I have done to you, I wish there was a way I could visit the past and change things…but I can’t.”  Overwhelming guilt and regret was beginning to influence all of Ishida’s mannerisms, even his voice.

“I’ll be changing the pigment of the soil with your wretched blood, Ishida. Draw your blade Samurai, or has the glory gone so far inside your head that you now lack the decency to accept challenges?”

With his manhood called into question, Ishida ordered all of his men to stand down and give the two warriors room. Ishida reached down and took hold of the scabbard of his blade, but didn’t draw it. Leo on the other hand slammed the end of his bamboo stick on the ground to create an opening for his Katana to fall from; the bamboo stick acting as a make-shift scabbard. With just a few movements, Leo mimicked Ishida’s stance. The two warriors bent at the knees, Leo offered a cold stare while Ishida shot one full of regret back at him. The intensity itself drowned out all possible noise from the crowd. It was almost as if Leo and Ishida were alone, locked in a pocket realm.

Before anyone knew it, the two shot off like lightning, leaving nothing but a blur. Nothing was heard beside the clanging of two blades. By the end of the exchange, Leo was on his hands and knees breathing heavily. Ishida was behind him in the spot where Leo had previously stood. Declaring victory, Ishida began to speak.

“Leo…I hope you can find peace, and can somehow come to forgive me in the afterlife, but it is there that your wife and daughter await you. Farewell.”

Ishida looked down at his chest and saw a deep cut that he had somehow overlooked. A second later, he fell down to a knee and his blade fell from his hand. He clutched his chest. The foot soldiers and civilians thought they had witnessed Ishida defeat Leo cleanly, but they were wrong and subsequently awestruck. Leo began to rise to his feet while holding his blade as he turned around to face an Ishida writhing in agony. Satisfaction of mild proportions filled Leo at the sight of Ishida’s struggle, he had done it…he had done it.

“Just like I thought, the fame, the glory, it has weakened you, warrior.” Ishida was on the receiving end of mind numbing internal pain.  Leo had hit a vital spot whilst avoiding Ishida’s strike. With Ishida still writhing in agony and blood now starting to leak from his mouth, Leo continued to speak.

“I told you vengeance would be mine, Ishida, and I promise as long as the spirit of my daughter and wife lie in the afterlife, you will never Rest In Peace…”

There was nothing Ishida could do but cough up more blood, and in time, precisely fifteen seconds, he had passed. What of the repentance he had spoken of, the acts of goodwill he had promised the masses? They were gone in just a few short seconds. But before Leo could even attempt to gather his things to escape, long before Ishida’s men could even attempt to avenge him, a small, soft voice rang through the crowd,

“Father, father.”

All eyes were on a small child no older than ten. Upon seeing the corpse of her father laying  across the ground, her heart sank into her toes before utterly melting. She frantically ran beside her father and knelt down to cradle his head. It didn’t take long for tears to flow and for wails to drown out the silence. Leo was stuck, paralyzed because of what he saw… It was eerily reminiscent of his beloved daughter, oh the memory weighed so heavily on his heart and instilled a sizable section of both humanity and mercy inside him that he wished he harbored just a few moments ago. Leo’s blade fell from his hand. He extended that very same hand in the direction of the sobbing child, his lips parted almost as if he was actually going to try to say something comforting. Leo knew it was too late, just like it was too late back then. Realizing that, his hand fell, only for him to lift both of them to waist level to see Ishida’s blood on his hands. Taking a moment to process it all, Leo found himself looking once more at the distraught child.  The only thing that could escape his mouth now was,

“What have I done…”


My name is Bishop Conner, an unpublished 17-year-old writer from the Germantown Area of Philadelphia. Just your average kid with a dream to write, hopefully comics.

In the White Room

In the White Room

by Mandy Chen

 

“Tomorrow, when I get better, I’ll take Ziyao to school.”

“Tomorrow?” said the daughter, “Why, certainly. If you get better.”

“I take good care of children.”

The woman had her feet propped on a pile of pillows. The pillows were white like the bed and everything else in sight, although she secretly suspected the pallor crept to beyond pulled curtains and partitioned rooms, eating at the hospital like an influenza grown deadly. Even the sky wore a jubilant white. The daughter was looking away at the window. The woman sat erect like a hawk, her eyes critical.

“Sure,” said the daughter.

“Do you really think so?”

“Why not.”

“You aren’t sore,” said the woman.

“No. Why should I be?”

The daughter was never sore. Not when she vanished into thin air for two weeks not calling, leaving her home with a half-grown sister, now dead, some thirty years ago. She supposed she wasn’t the best of mothers.

“You know,” she began.

The daughter looked away at the window.

“Did you hear they caught Fu Jitong last week?”

“Why, I used to know his father. He himself was never clean. I worked under him for scarcely a year, and then I refused to. He’s no man to work for.”

“Really, you did?”

“He had been one of the worst. He! Not today. Time has changed.”

“This life, it makes you greedy.”

The woman shook her head. Back then there wasn’t time for corruption. Back then life rolled out of its magician’s pocket gingerly, each crystalline surprise a stepping stone to greatness. She remembered her colleagues back then, her comrades who believed in the same grit and greatness and fought with their youth as she did. She was a woman and now the only one to have survived. All of her earlier colleagues were either dead or close to it.

“You remember Yang Lin?”

“Why, we used to see him at least once a week.”

“Last time I saw him he looked hardly alive. Couldn’t move by himself.”

“He’s past seventy, isn’t he?”

“Younger than I. His one son dead from suicide.”

The daughter rose to stand by the window. The mother followed her with critical eyes.

“You know, most of them are dead.”

“Mama,” said the daughter. “Can’t we talk about something else?”

“It didn’t used to bother you.”

“No.” sighed the daughter. “Will you try and sleep while I pick Ziyao up from school?”

The room was empty after the daughter left. The curtains were so white the woman thought of her sister.

            She used to be third in the family. Now that the second died she had to replace her, somehow compensating for the loss through added chores and reduced eating. That didn’t stop the smallest, a boy, from falling prey to some lone wolf passing the village half a year later. There were many deaths after that and many tears, but none imprinted themselves as venomously as that of her sister’s, newly past eight when hunger consumed her, pulled taut the skin of her belly, her belly arched and inflated like a drum. They used the whitest curtain they had to cover her body. After the wrapping it did not take much space. It was so tiny it did not require a burial. Now and then the woman recalled her name.

            The mountain roads liquified on rainy days. There was a great deal of water where they lived and no sun. Pools gathered and drenched to the core of soft earth. They were careful that year as they crossed the mud walking to school, for the year before a child had slipped and was never seen. After her retirement, the woman went back to see the mountain once, but it had been flattened to make space for a budding metropolis. It was the only mountain in that area. All around, the earth stretched, plain after plain in fertile pallor. Very rarely did a hill or two curve towards the sky like adolescent waves against the gravity of the sea. She was angry they killed the mountain. She had hated it from her youth because it stood as an extra barrier between her and the school. In time she learned to acquiesce to its presence.

           She attended junior college at the age of 16, a normal school in a different town. When she graduated they offered a scholarship for her to go to university. But her brother had also graduated by then and the military school he was admitted to required tuition. The family needed money for his education, so she worked in a factory instead and sent home her first paycheck, three kilos worth of coupons. Her father owned a little workshop in town and the family was able to get the food they needed. At that time the woman was unsure why anyone had to starve, at all. The horizon was broad and clear. Miles and miles on end the earth breathed lush and eager and eternally without bearing. Not for long the war ended and Father’s workshop became public property.

The curtain stirred. A nurse came and took her blood pressure and left. She forgot to pull back the curtain.

            The curtain was red, embroidered with golden lace. She hid behind it. On the other side of the curtain stood Shu, his hands twisted behind his back and his dark eyes evasive. Then the curtain was lifted, and under the fading sky she could see the faint blush across his cheeks, his brows disheveled over the sturdy nose of an honest man. He was looking away and trying to hide the fact.

            They had met after she graduated from Normal School. Her mother had fallen sick so she had left the  factory. She stayed in Normal School for two years and was given rations for staying When she left for the city’s foodstuffs company after graduation, she knew she could never be a teacher.  Her mother thought her quite too independent and set up a meeting at the matchmaker’s. The first time she had seen Shu she had disliked him because of his silence. Later they became friends. He spoke with a vulgar accent and an almost inexcusable shyness.  She married him because he was honest and hardworking and her mother liked him very much. A month later he was assigned to make planes in the far north. That had been his dream and he did not hesitate.

Now she could see the curtain stir again and the daughter coming through it. The daughter wore white that day and the  cup in her hand was almost indistinguishable against the dim white glare. But her face was sallow and her cheekbones rose sharp and smooth like the woman’s. She was every bit herself on the outside, but with a weariness she had never had before.

“How are you feeling?” said the daughter.

The woman felt good now that the pain was gone. She sat erect on the bed, her eyes acute with a new finding.

“You are very much like your Pa,” she said.

Back at their home in the city Shu and she almost never met and when they did, they often quarreled. There was so much quarreling she wondered why she went home anymore, except for the children. Both were daughters, not exactly lucky, but she couldn’t care less for conventions and her mother relied too much on her money by then to point a finger. Her eldest brother, fresh out of military school, was wiring radios in Vietnam while the rest of her five younger siblings struggled with literacy, the uncanny aftermath of being made red guards when they should have been students. She had just transferred to Chengdu’s Cotton and Linen Company. The spring after the birth of her second daughter she was offered advanced training at night school. She had enjoyed the mornings and afternoons paddling  from the dusty suburbs of Chengdu to downtown and back, the landscapes two racing paint panels pulled high from where the roads ran horizontally, the road racing dark and tall and new under her tumbling feet and her cropped hair fluttering against the wind. She remembered returning from night school at two in the morning, air biting into her cheeks, the city lightless and deserted but her heart too full to be cold. At the start of winter the bike slipped and ice tore loose the side of her shank. Back in the suburbs, when she dragged person and bike home Shu saw the blood and bellowed at her across the yard.

She was made manager the year the younger daughter turned three. It came as a surprise to none of them.

            The daughter was pulling something from her handbag. “Here,” she said.

“You could’ve had anything.” said the woman. “If only you’d stayed.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting at, Mama.”

“You had to leave. You had to come here.”

The woman guessed when you had to leave, you had to leave. She would have understood her daughter, standing shivering that day shortly after her marriage, at the city’s train station with one younger sister hung on each arm, all wrapped up in burlap too coarse for decency. As deputy secretary of the Foodstuffs Company she had been deemed a rightist. Defending her former superiors who were accused of rightism made matters worse, and her illiterate but insightful siblings decided she had better be shipped to Dalian, where nobody knew her and Shu worked. When she said goodbye a sister cried and said she didn’t have to go. The other sister threw her a dirty look so she shushed.

            Inside workers crouched in defensive huddles, sweat diffusing like some sort of airborne infection. In Dalian, she became a migrant worker and loomed for three months before before running back home the day Shu went out on business. Back in Chengdu she was dispatched to the chili factory and became a real worker.

She looked up now, saying “Can we not?” and the woman chuckled.

“I had everything settled for you. Why did you have to come here?”

“Here, take these.” In her palm the pellets glistened.

            At the chili factory they crushed red chili with their feet. After stomping and grinding all day the skin took to ruddy permeability, the toes inflated and eternally dripping so she went about without socks. When the revolution ended some two or three years later, she was rewarded with a position at the Chengdu Cotton and Linen Company, where she became secretary of Party and soon, manager. With a distinctive voice and headstrong character, she had no trouble rising to president of it provincial headquarters and sat with the Premier every year since 1978 in the Central Economic Working Conference.

            “Ma?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

            Her arrival at Sichuan Cotton and Linen Company stirred its stagnant existence.       

“Ma?”

The woman glared.

“I just—I’ve been thinking.”

“And?”

“Would you like to go back to Chengdu once you get better?”

“But I’ve not been here a month!”

“They have better doctors.”

“I’ll be alright in a while,” said the woman. “And Ziyao needs taking care of.”

“Mama, we don’t need you to—”

Their eyes met. The daughter looked away.

“I’m sorry, Ma. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I want to go.”

“Mama, stay.”

            Her arrival at Sichuan Cotton and Linen Company stirred the still water existence of its mechanic body. For three years the machine had rested barren with seeds, dyspeptic belly protruding, surface corrupted beneath eyes of censor. They welcomed her with hidden files and rewritten histories. Looking back at it now she was proud to say after six months of combat, here character dulled the off-putting glare of her co-workers – a result of her female identity. The men had at last gotten over a shared sense of shame. Even Deng softened. When he fell sick with fever a year later she lavished on him all sorts of cares and favors on him so the proud General Manager could not but bow once and for all. Afterwards she ensured the employment of his three children and eldest grandson. As a matter of fact she took, under her wings, all that had been loyal to her. In 1978 she sat with Premier Hua.

            “And where is Deng now?”

            Again, she grew aware of the all-encompassing whiteness of the room. A hospital wing. She could not remember why she was there. Had she fallen down? Hit herself in the head, fainted? She did not believe so. And then someone spoke and she forgot all about that, too.

She looked and saw the daughter, for a while mistaking her for a ghost of hallucination. whim not sure this is the right word. But her white shirt sagged, and the buttons were displaced, the frills of her skirt a decaying umber. She looked now and thought, how they could never forgive each other: her for her abandonment and for the ways she slumped, dragged, dulled, her eyes downcast elusive, a housewife. Hopelessly worn at thirty three.

“Mama?”

When she heard herself called she was scared. It reminded her of her sisters howling the night her own mama died.

“Mama? Mama? Mama?”

She was scared. In her head the past swirled like glass, shreds broken into words misunderstood, words rich and pompous that used to melt at the tip of one’s tongue but now meant nothing at all. She closed her eyes to see the world looked any different. When it didn’t she thought of how one life topped another—became another and how at the end of time they all grew reword one and timeless.

“Oh, Mama!” cried the alien voice. “Please, oh please—Doctor!” And she heard herself speak in equally alien tone, “Cut it out, won’t you?” and that’s when it all stopped.

She was hiding in the kitchen. Outside her daughter stood barring the door yelling at a belligerent Deng who came to demand a share of housing. “Let me in,” she heard him say, “let me in you shameless—” and the daughter said “No”. He said, “I came to see your mother. You have no business interfering.” She was hiding in the kitchen listening, knowing she could not afford argument with a potential right hand. Outside the younger daughter was yelling as if in labor.

            “Get out,” she said. “I said, get out.”

            The woman laughed, startling her daughter.

“What’s the matter?” she said.

“Ha, ha,” she said. “Ha ha ha.”

“Mother!”

The woman shushed.

“What’s the matter?”

The daughter began to beckon for the doctor so she stopped.

“I’m fine,” she said. “I’m sorry. I’m really fine.”

“Mother.”

“You remember Deng?”

“Yes. Will you be good and take a nap while I have a word with Doctor Zhou?”

Then she who begged and said she was only joking and the doctor went away.

            Nineteen ninety-five she and her team flew to the United States of America to learn about cotton planting and the processing machines. She had never sat in a plane for so long. She caught her first glimpse of the sunny California land through the plane window. It reeled under her in a speeding circular motion, the mild green soil stretching looped and curvaceous. At customs she was questioned for a long time. In their eighteen days of exploratory stay they plunged through the deep South, traveling from the western coast to the east. All five senses open for knowledge. She was impressed by the quality of its swarthy soil, vigorous  as a lad and purified by the cover of vegetation. There were so few people for so much land, and she began to think thatGod must have favored this place over everywhere else. The vegetation machines with big tires crawled along the surface of the soil, would have no use back home due to the  bumpiness of the land and the poverty of the peasants. Where we had peasants, America had farmers, rich farmers who lived in big two-story houses, with pools and mechanical irrigation. Beneath the soil tubes formed a maze of human ingenuity. Everything was so mechanical. Every plantation was a world of its own. while back at home the peasants wrestled with small scale economy. She’d been saying this the past few years…that they needed specialized, sustainable farming. They needed to stop using manure for laziness sake, because it drilled heavy metal into the core of land and corrupted soil and mind. But China was growing, alright. Now they told her they moved the cotton industry to Xin Jiang where the temperature was fit.

            She returned to the United States of America in nineteen ninety-five, visiting cities as well as farmland.  She remembered feeling horror-struck and embarrassed at first sight of Vegas. Personally she disproved of the gambling and extravagant colors but knew she was not one to judge. New York was a different story, what with the shiny grayness of tall metal and steel. She was impressed and a little disgusted by the way one floor grew on top of another, the people enfolded like napkins in an American fast food combo.

            The daughter was speaking. She no longer felt funny.

“And what about Deng?”

“Who, Deng?”

“Yea. Deng. Manager Deng.” said the daughter. “You’ve been talking about him.”

The woman did not remember talking about Deng. But she nodded and said, “Ah.”

Suddenly the daughter teared up. She raised a hand and turned quickly to the window.

“Ha!” said the woman, vaguely irritated. She no longer felt funny. “And what’s your problem?”

The daughter said nothing. The woman said, “There, there. Deng never forgave you, did he? Never uttered another syllable to you.”

“It’s horrible,” said the daughter, breaking into a smile.

“It is. You’d been a fierce little girl, hadn’t you? Now, is he alive?”

The daughter teared up again and she felt horrible for bringing it up.

“Did you know they moved the cotton industry to Xin Jiang last year?”

The daughter shook her head.

“I say China is growing fast,” said the woman. “The scale of agriculture has expanded. There is increased specialization.”

“That’s right,” said the daughter.

“The economy is good. God must like China too, don’t you think?”

“You look worried,” the woman commented. “What’s the matter?”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“Not at all.”

“Why don’t you try and take a nap?”

            While pretending to take a nap she saw her mother. Her mother was a pretty woman, unlike her, the uneducated daughter of a rich landowner, with very dark hair and deep-set butterfly eyes. It was in nineteen seventy-one that she died, having lived a long, fulfilled life, her hardships ending just when fortune was about to shine. Her favorite son always believed she died of happiness. The woman remembered finding out about it two days after her promotion, driving a car for the first time and seeing all around not trees but shapes, humanly shapes weaving like dancing green spots in the sun. She  suddenly felt a strange urge, a jerk of the heart muscle, a sort of primeval palpitation like a baby seeing the world for the first time, the light intrusive the shadows transmute and the heart all colorblind.

            The doctor believed her mother died of dyspepsia. Her lips were still wet with the juice of her seventh persimmon when the woman found her, eyes wide unblinking, with no sign of death but the glaring death notice hung over her hospital bed. She looked like one who decided to skip a breath as a joke but never remembered to inhale again. The woman believed she died of forgetfulness. ( I love this paragraph)

            A nurse came and went, her existence causing no disturbance in the harmony of the room. She lost her train of thought.

Something clicked inside her. She realized that when you added white to white, either white remained white.The original whiteness was incapable of becoming whiter. Just the same with harmony, or peace of mind. Extra doses of peace were as futile as climax in the face of anti-conflict. The only thing that lasted was repetition.

Presently she heard her daughter again. The little girl leaning with one arched brow screaming at the top of her lungs “Get out this is my house”.

 

The morning light shone blackly through a cluster of fog. Behind the window of the hospital wing the daughter stirred, her arms sore from a night’s pillowing where she dreamed of cake and confetti for her little son’s wedding. An arm’s length away the woman slept, mountainous lines heaving in the still peace of a resting Buddha. The daughter yawned. It was a good dream.

 

“Oh Mama,” she said. “if only you could live to see little Ziyao in suit and tie.”

She yawned again and rose to check if Mama was awake. She wasn’t. When the daughter leaned down to plant a kiss her cheek was cold, and she could not hear breathing.


Mandy Chen is a student at Northwestern University, hoping to study creative writing. She is inspired by the works of Hemingway, Faulkner and Dostoyevsky, and strives to become a martial arts master.

 

Litter Entries

Litter Entries

By Dog Cavanaugh

 

Days 1 and 2

On the first two days, we did what they called shadow dumps. Several of us were in training. We followed people around outside different government buildings and watched them pick up litter and trash. When there was a big enough pile of bags, we helped carry them across the street to the compactors behind City Hall. Sometimes people talked to us about what they were doing, but mostly it was all about watching. Someone told us they did things this way because too many people baled on the job in the first week. Why spend so much effort training people who decide they’re too good for trash? We definitely felt like shadows.

No one knew anything about my background. They hadn’t asked for a résumé, or even a list of references. I figure I got the job because I appeared young and strong and at least semi-social and presentable. I was also actually interested enough in the work to ask questions during the interview — like why are some trash bags black and others this kind of clear blue?

Lorenzo Doxley is the crew chief for the City-wide Clean Team (CCT). Most people call him Dox. He worked his way up from ditch digging on an asphalt team to rubbish truck driver to crew chief. Dox wears CCT badge #0031. I became badge #0974. We all wear official forest-green tee-shirts that say CCT on them, except for Dox who wears full button-down twill work shirts and a walkie-talkie on his belt.

 

Day 3

On this, the third day, Dox pulls me aside and says I’m with him. He will turn me loose “when it seems apparent.” LOVE Park is going to be my beat — across the street from the Municipal Services Building, caddy-corner to City Hall.

“Okay now,” Dox says. “Need you to watch. They’s three of ‘em over there.” He swings a finger to the side without looking. I see a woman in an over-sized white tee-shirt — dirty bare feet, unwashed legs, swarthy brown skin, long gray matted hair. I also see a Black teen with big popping hyperthyroid eyes, matchstick arms and legs, bucked teeth, a shaved head, baggy jeans, and a tunic-like black 3X sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. There’s also a shiny amber-skinned guy near a corner of the park. He’s round and fat and his jeans stick somehow just near the base of his butt. You can see a yellow-gray pair of boxers. His tee is two sizes too small for him, pinching his arms, making them look like loaves of rye bread. His skin is only slightly darker than mine.

All three slowly rotate their heads from side to side, staring at the ground, stepping carefully. It looks like an early morning martial art they’ve invented. The woman stops, squats, picks something up, puts it to her lips, and stands. It’s a two-inch stub of cigarette. She lifts the hem of her giant tee-shirt and slides a hand inside a tight pair of workout shorts. An orange lighter comes out pinched between the tips of two fingers. She ignites the stub, inhales, then closes her eyes. A half-smile tugs at her pursed lips. Smoke trails from her nose. She leans back and turns slightly towards the sun. Ripples of heat swarm the smoke around her face. She takes another deep pull and seems like she’s in ecstasy.

Dox nudges me and points again. Two older people, a man and a woman, stand over a trash can. “They looking for the easy ones.”

“Easy?”

“Folks smack out smokes with they foot, then actually put ‘em in the trash. Like Good Samaritans.” He smiles, then produces a pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket. I watch him light up, then turn my face enough so that I won’t be forced to breathe his smoke. A big slap of heat flashes against my cheek. Someone walking close by says, “You could light a smoke with that bitch sun.”

“Just want you to know,” Dox says. He’s looking at the two people still digging through the trash. “Always give time in the morning. They do your work for you. And not just smoke butts. They take care of half drinks and leftover food, clothing, newspaper, stuff like that.”

I let my vision swim out and over the whole park. Dox takes another shot off his cigarette. “Gotta watch careful. Some of ‘em know to put shit in the cans. They the long timers. Pick up around here just because it’s something to do.”

His cigarette is only half spent, but he bends down from his seat and carefully nudges the ember out on the cement. I figure maybe he’ll slide it back in the pack for later in the day. Instead, he gently lays it on the bench and stands.

“Give twenty minutes more. Most of ‘em be up and do what they do. Then get in to your day.” I stand and stretch a little like I’ve just gotten out of bed. He gives me a chuckle. “Strange, huh, how you feel like them when you watch too much?” Before I can answer he says, “Come on then, I show you where we keeps the bags and pokes and brooms and other tools of trade you gonna need.”

We head around the perimeter of the park. “If you feel like all this is making you a little crazy, let me know. Remember, too, they changes up the people sometimes. We don’t know from days who we got. And just for the record, I do not know what happens to anyone.”

I should have paid more attention to those words, but I am too busy watching a beautiful blond woman in sunglasses and a tight business skirt strutting through the middle of everything on her way to work. It is surprising how much stuff I ended up collecting that day. I remember very well beginning to wonder about counting stuff and keeping a decent enough record of what I was doing.

 

Day 9

Dox declares to us at lunch today that LOVE Park is a jewel in Philly’s crown, but he also says it’s not officially called LOVE Park. The nickname comes from the statue of the word “LOVE” mounted on a rack at the park’s east corner. The real name is John F. Kennedy Plaza.

LOVE is spelled out as a block of four letters, two to a row, the big, gaping, sloppy O swung sideways. The fountain beyond the letters, in the center of the park, sprays water into the light-blue sky that streams off into the city’s white summer haze.

Beyond the LOVE statue and the fountain is Ben Franklin Parkway, which looks like a long, straight river flowing away from the center of things. The Art Museum of Philadelphia bobs off in the distance at the top of the hill ending the Parkway, with its famous Rocky steps from the movie. Jean Brown, who was in my shadow dump group, got assigned as the sanitation specialist in the Art Museum area. Dox told us she’s got more space than I do but less people who spend the day. He said that for some reason when the tourists are down there they don’t litter much. They like to run the steps and take photos with the Rocky statue off to the side at the bottom of the steps, but they take care of their litter.

 

Day 22

I collected 76 sections of newspaper today and 19 magazines. I also picked up 37 plastic bags blowing around, 11 hoagie wrappers (after the partially eaten sandwiches were devoured by my people), 103 plastic beverage containers, 19 Styrofoam™ salad clamshells, 7 empty pizza boxes, 6 glass bottles, 24 foam and/or paper coffee cups, and 143 cigarette butts. We have special blue bags for paper and plastic bottles. I tried talking to Dox about recycling the glass, but he said it was too dangerous. If you break any of the glass in a bag of recyclables, it means you have to throw everything away. Cardboard is a funny thing for us to deal with. People use it to sleep and sit on. We usually leave it. Somehow it takes care of itself.

I didn’t happen to count the clothes I picked up, nor the shoes that appear and then disappear. These are left by all the homeless people in the park when church groups arrive with bags of donated clothes. What gets left by one person usually gets picked up fast enough by someone else. The only clothing I had to deal with was drenched with body odor or was partially coated in some indeterminate kind of liquid.

 

Day 41

Today is hotter than yesterday. A few old men play chess, shirtless in the heat. A group of six are focused on a card game in the shade. A man and a woman lie together spooning on a bench in another shade patch. He is unshaven with long hair straggling off the back of an otherwise bald head; she has a severe gap between her two top front teeth and wears pink polyester slacks. I can tell she’s braless in her tee-shirt that says “Coca-Cola” in that famous stylized lettering.

Every once in a while, the man adjusts behind her and slips his hand under her shirt. I see him playing with her breasts. Two spent McDonald’s sacks lie on the ground in front of them along with wrappers and cups. I don’t know if this mess is theirs or not, but I don’t move to pick it up. They’re junkies without doubt because yesterday I watched them score whatever it is they put in themselves at this same bench. They gave each other double high-fives and kind of danced around a little, then they started making out to the point where sex was inevitable. I turned away. A few other people did, too. Now they are strung out sleeping.

 

Day 44

By far, the worst part of this job is picking up cigarette butts. They’re everywhere and somehow they’re also almost always separate and alone on the ground. No other litter gets near cigarette butts. So, they’re a pain to pick up, especially when they’re flattened after a heal crushing. I collected 154 today. They’re like little exotic dead roachworms. That makes about three hundred in two days. It’s insane, I know, but I’m going to keep that tally going. And, no, I am not saving them or anything like that. Also, I’m only talking about real butts here. I occasionally pick up stubs and halfies, but generally I leave them for the homeless and others.

 

Day 47

A short dark woman with a crew cut of copper-colored hair, missing a few front teeth, wanders up to me. She wears a seersucker smock thing and carries yellow foam rubber flip-flops in her left hand. I anticipate being asked for some kind of help or money, but I’m sure I’ve seen her around some, which might mean that she knows not to ask me. Regardless, I prepare myself.

“Do a nice job, boy.”

“Thanks,” I say. She gives me a big grin. I’m thinking fast. “I got nothing for you.” I intend to sound decisive, maybe even authoritative. It comes out like I’m an asshole.

“Can’t you take a compliment?” She puts her hand to her chin, looks from side to side. “But, okay. Give you a nice blow?” she whispers. “Take my teeth out.” She places her right thumb and forefinger in her mouth and removes her top teeth.

I try to laugh. “I’m fine.” Except, I’m also an asshole.

She shakes her head almost like she can read my mind, but also forgives me. “Been watching you.” She moves her index finger in and out of her mouth, then comes to a stop and raises her eyebrows. “I’m Emma. Pretty good when ain’t no teeth in.”

Emma might be in her late thirties, but her face is aged in too many directions. She could also be in her late fifties. I realize I can’t really tell whether she’s Latin, Italian, Black, or some kind of Asian. Probably other options, too. Maybe she’s some of everything like me. Everything and nothing, I think. How easy for people to do to me what they have to her.

“I’m sorry, Emma. I already have a girlfriend.” I offer this excuse as politely as my embarrassment will allow. I had a girlfriend, but I was moving too fast with my emotions and showing my vulnerable side a bit too much.

Emma takes a step back and shakes her head. “I dint say I’d bone you, boy. That’s different.” She puts her teeth back in and begins to rummage around in the pocket of her smock.

My confusion and embarrassment probably looked pretty funny from any vantage point in the park. “Hey, I just work here,” I manage.

“Wanted to share my gratitude is all.” I watch her move down the walkway. She’s got a full cigarette between her fingers and a blue lighter in her other hand.

A few hours later, I see Emma sitting in the shade of a trash bin I’d just emptied. She was staring down at the blue lighter in her hand, crying.

 

Day 55

I’ve taken to smoking sometimes when Dox offers me one. Sometimes, too, I find good stubs on the ground. I should probably leave them to people who need them, but somehow I’m getting that itch and it feels normal. Maybe everyone should see what I see.

 

Day 61

They’re unfolding stands all around the park today, getting ready for tomorrow night. I was told to be extra vigilant with all litter. Dox and I steam-clean the two piss areas on the north edge of the park. One is for men (it’s worse and more public). The other is for the women.

I’ve seen Emma crouching behind a large boulder with some of the other women, talking and wiping with beige napkins — mostly from Subway and Starbucks. Seeing women wipe themselves is very touching. They all have different ways of doing it. Some are quite decisive and swipe kind of hard. Some are quick and nonchalant, using one or two flicks and then they’re out of there. Others dab carefully. Emma keeps her eyes on the ground in front of her. A lot of them don’t. They look around to see if anyone is watching. I know I’m an asshole for making myself aware of any of this, let alone writing it down, but I mean it when I say it’s touching.

 

Day 62

“Gonna be difficult today,” Dox says, looking down JFK Parkway to where they’re constructing a stage at the base of the art museum steps. The stage is next to Rocky. Someone has put a flag or a robe on him. This is all nearly a mile down the parkway, but I can see red white and blue on Rocky, a flowing cape with sparkling stars, even from such a long distance, like they’re ignition buttons for a whole bunch of things that are going to happen soon enough.

I ask Dox why it’s going to be a hard day.

“Gotta keep ‘em from pissing here until tomorrow ‘round noon when new folks begin to arrive.” He waved his hand at the whole park. “You know any of ‘em yet?”

“I…well, yeah, some….”

“Get the word out, then. Tell them not to piss in them corners. Go down to the subway. I got it cleared with SEPTA. They leave ‘em alone. But keep your eye out. I hate cleaning this shit up, then having folks piss on it again before an event. ‘Specially because they’re probably getting replaced.”

“Replaced?”

He squints out at the park and shakes his head. “I told you, kid. Don’t worry about it. Who knows what? Just take it all on for me.”

I stage myself, switching back and forth between the two piss areas for a while after Dox leaves. When they amble up looking like they held it long enough, I step forward and point to the train station steps. “Gotta stay clean for the celebration. Subway’s cool for you today. We got permission.” People head down, but they look uncomfortable with what I’m asking them to do, more uncomfortable than seems normal.

 

Day 66

I drift around LOVE Park with my broom, my pan, my spike, and a black plastic bag tied to my belt. I follow free newspapers blowing all over slabs of granite wall. I have a special net I use to spoon things out of the fountain.

I didn’t make it down here over the weekend so I don’t know what happened, but today the homeless, even the regulars, are nowhere to be found. We have beautiful summer weather and a nice breeze. It’s not too humid. People of all kinds — except the homeless — mill around. Jetting a thick column of water a good fifteen feet in the air, the fountain alternates from red to blue to foamy white. Mothers and kids sit around, eating lunch, wading, throwing coins, and making wishes. A few younger professionals take off their shoes and socks and roll up their pants. They sit with their feet in the water eating lunch, talking on their cell phones. Two of them look like cleaned-up versions of the amorous junkies I’ve seen doing their thing. These two are dressed like young lawyers or investment bankers, but they’re being highly physical. Some people glance at them, amused, others are clearly perturbed. The coins will be gone by morning if my homeless people return.

 

Day 67

It’s the next day and a lot of my people are back, although I don’t see my girl Emma. Somehow, they’re more subdued. They seem oddly hung over, or run over, or something. A lot of them keep yawning. After the lunch hour, most of the office workers having come and gone, nearly all of my people are napping in the shade. A number use several layers of flattened cardboard for cushioning and their shoes for pillows.

 

Day 73

A new kid named Miggy has taken to sleeping all day on a subway grate. He appears to be pretty young, maybe sixteen. He wears baggy jeans, no shoes, and a dark blue tee-shirt too small for his belly which sags onto the grate when he rolls on his side. Cool air spins up from underground, but it smells like a mixture of Pinesol and piss. Miggy wakes up, talks to himself, heads off to the piss area, then comes back and lies down, curling one arm around the top of his head and the other under his face as a pillow. I find a piece of foam rubber in the trash late in the day and clean it off as best I can. When he gets up to pee I place the foam on the grate where he sleeps. He comes back, stares at the foam, then tosses it onto the sidewalk.

When he talks to himself sometimes, I hear, “I am not a toy. They can’t do that.” He whispers a good amount, but he also says those words over and over again out loud. “I’m not a toy.” It’s not like he’s actually mad, or annoyed even. It’s more like he’s trying to convince himself that he isn’t a toy. And that it actually shouldn’t be possible to make him feel like one. “They can’t do that.”

 

Day 78

I picked up my 10,000th cigarette butt today. I’ve been averaging a bit more than a hundred twenty butts most days. I started collecting lighters and matches people leave behind or drop, but I gave up counting those and pretty much everything else. I leave the good butts in small groups on different walls around the park. Some of the population here has become so accustomed to their situation that they skip my good butts and simply light up filters to smoke. That’s a nasty and probably deadly habit if ever there was one. These days, a lot of filters are made of plastic and fiberglass.

 

 

Day 86

Dox and I are doing what he calls tree bagging. The dry, gray-leaved oaks that Dox says don’t grow no matter what, collect plastic grocery bags. It’s easy to pick the low-hanging ones out, but inevitably some float high into the treetops and sit there for weeks and weeks until we liberate them.

Sometimes, too, bigger black plastic bags get caught high up. If you come by here during a rainy summer day, a lot of these people are still out playing cards and sipping beer wearing trash bags and using battered umbrellas abandoned by commuters in windstorms. I don’t know where the other people go who don’t have plastic bags or broken umbrellas. It’s like they just evaporate.

We use a telescoping pole with both a grappling hook and a pincher on the end to get the easy bags. Later in the morning Dox shows me how to change the hook and pincher for a pruning shear and how to run rope through the eyelets on the pole and then cut the branches where bags are too tangled for easy extraction.

“It’s always about sharp,” he says.

I wait between Dox’s cuts, watching the ground. Sometimes litter is nearly impossible to see. You need to wait for the wind to move it. But litter wants you to find it. This I’ve learned. It waits for the unification of a patient mind and the powers of nature. Sometimes clouds dull sunlight down to visible pulses and reduce the spectral register enough so that what was invisible under the usual sun can be glimpsed long enough to make it into your litter-hunting brain.

Dox keeps working the trees. “Sharp cuts through branches.” I watch him as best I can, but litter on the ground continues to move around. I need to know where it’s going in order to pick it up later. Sometimes I feel like the only person left to want the things I pick up.

 

Day 98

Weirdness is going on here. I’m picking up a lot more trash. Lots of Chipotle stuff. I’m not even sure where the nearest Chipotle is. There are some Taco Bell wrappers, too, and a lot of paper bags mixed in as well. Also, pizza boxes up the yin-yang. Doesn’t make sense.

 

Day 99

I hear the word “watch” everywhere. It’s coming out of new and different mouths. Younger people growing in numbers by the day. They make signs on the ground. They sit in large groups with one person standing and speaking. They talk about New York and Washington and the Presdient and the “ninety-nine point nine.”

Besides “watch,” I hear versions of words sprayed around like “envero,” “cleansion,” “banksy,” “justeece,” “force,” and “tentacles.” They wear black tees with big block white lettering on the back that says “WATCH.” I have no idea what this means and realize I don’t pay enough attention to TV anymore. Even though I collect them for a living all day, I haven’t read a paper in weeks. And I can’t remember when I did anything on the internet with my phone.

Late in the week, about a dozen cops show up on horseback. They wear knee-high, shiny black boots, silver helmets kind of like football ones without the faceguards, and black leather gloves that go half-way up the forearm. Most of these guys have on mirror shades. They just show up and sit astride their trusty steeds in what I figure has to be called a formation, looking down on the fountain area where the WATCH people make their signs. The kids converse in low voices, doing their best to ignore the cops and their horses. I understand something political is happening, but I honestly don’t have a clue what. It’s obvious I need to watch TV sometime soon. I stand on a bench at the periphery of things and realize I’m probably going to be okay if a riot breaks out because I’ve got my green CCT tee-shirt on. As I look out over the scene, though, I realize that all the homeless have completely disappeared again.

 

Day 100

This morning on TV, they showed people refusing to leave a park in New York City. They kept talking about “watching the center” and “big banks,” and “corporate interests.” Even though I was finally watching TV, I was still a bit confused. News coverage isn’t like it used to be. Everyone’s aware of the way cameras and commentators don’t go deep inside things anymore. These days it’s not so much fake as it is just really, really ambiguous and incomplete.

They interviewed a young Black man with a goatee who wore horn-rimmed glasses and a black polo shirt with an arrow pointing up on the left breast. “To be in the one-tenth,” he says with disgust, “you need to have twenty million or more. There are nearly one hundred and thirty thousand American citizens in that group. A whole city. I don’t know if we see them as evil so much as we just want them to help out and pay more in taxes. They have as much wealth as the bottom ninety-percent of the country. It’s very sad. Heartbreaking even.”

The news woman seemed a bit amused by this. She kept talking about the Vietnam War protests and Occupy Wall Street. I kept thinking about the civil rights demonstrations my mother used to tell me about. But I could also see that trash was really building up on the edges of that park in Manhattan. Horizontal planes push pieces of life no one wants out to the edges and corners. And yet, stuff people throw away is still connected to them until it is carted off to the landfill or burned in an incinerator.

 

Day 104

My job could very likely be coming to an end. I realized that about two hours into the morning. You can’t clean up trash fast enough when six hundred people are camping on granite slabs, surrounding a fountain in the heart of your city. I was sitting with a dark-skinned girl named Mallory who is one of the Watchers. She was eating tuna out of a can with a twig. Her hair was spun into alternating dreadlocks that were colored dark brown and a caramel shade that was almost golden in direct sunlight. She had a rainbow bandana around her neck. It was a warm morning. She said she liked how her black tee-shirt was heating into a fire. I was drawn to her because she was so cheerful and positive on such a hot morning.

“What do you do here?” she asked, swirling her stick around the edges of the can.

“Pick up litter, mostly.

She let her chin pop out, then snorted.

“It’s not funny,” I said. “Someone has to do it.”

“No. Sorry.” She looked me in the eyes and put her hand on my knee. “It’s just that….” She glanced out across the park. The fountain was spraying dark blue water straight into the air. “Sorry. Really,” she went on. “It’s just that we aren’t going to leave.”

“You aren’t?”

“No. That’s what watching means. We’re here to pay attention and observe. We’re going to grow. This is where everything will be watched. You are going to have a little city on your hands of people paying attention to everything around them. You can’t handle all the trash we’re going to create. We won’t let you. That’s part of everything.”

I stared at the dark blue water tumbling around in mid-air and wondered if any of the girls and young women I had tried to love in my life would understand what she was saying. This girl named Mallory seemed so much more in tune with life. Things really felt like they to mattered to her. She was definitely superior to me. I imagined she had studied the history of social movements. She was waiting for me to say something. The best I had was, “You all are the new Occupy, then.”

“Not Occupy,” she smiled, then shook her head somberly. “That was too confusing. WATCH is permanent until those clowns in Washington get rid of that regime of idiots.”

We sat in silence. I tried to focus on my breathing. There were people everywhere. You could smell butane camp stoves, frying food, the stink of hard-boiled eggs, and the heavy scent of coffee.

“Are you really a trash guy? I mean…sorry to say this, but you seem a bit too intelligent for that.” She leaned forward to catch my eyes again. “Plus, really? Picking up trash? For the man? Isn’t that a stereotype for someone like you? How about fighting global warming at least, or something important?”

I bobbed my head up and down, more like I was ducking than agreeing. “I was going to start grad school next semester,” I said, “but I think I could maybe stick with this through the fall. I’ll probably quit in December, take the month off, and then shift gears in January. I needed ground level, you know? Life the way no one thinks about it because no one cares.”

She put her tuna tin down next to me, then threw the twig into some bushes. “Wow. Grad school.”

“What do you do? I mean, where do you go?”

“I live with my parents and take classes at Temple. I make money waitressing sometimes. I’ve been thinking about starting a catering company. It depends….”

We both watched the blue water flowing into the air, then falling back into the pool, a roil of foam and dark noise. It was a column of something trying to get into the future. I wanted to say that to her. Instead, I said, “That water is the only non-human thing in this park that can move. It’s clean and innocent.”

“Innocent?”

“Pure,” I say. “Doesn’t have a shred of intelligence.” We sat in silence with that. I admit that I felt profound.

As I turned to see her face again, it passed through my mind that I might be able to fall in love with her. But she was gone. I didn’t even see her walking away.

 

Day 106

After Chinese take-out, I turned on the TV tonight. They were showing my park. Night shots: horses and glistening police; sharp red blurs; smoke, something more; people covering their faces, running; a few police on foot, dropping riot shields, batons out, long mesh fence-like contraptions used to surround groups of people; another group of cops using police bicycles to push people into corners near open vans. My best thoughts were about my people and how I was glad they were nowhere to be found. I also knew I needed to go back to school sooner rather than later.

 

Day 129

I said goodbye to Lorenzo Doxley today. I also said goodbye to Emma and handed her a twenty-dollar bill. It was the least I could do.

“This a tip?” she asked. “I dint do nothin’ for you.”

“No tip,” I said. “I just thought you could use it. I’m moving on, Emma.”

She folded the money into a tiny package and put it somewhere under her shirt. “Well, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You know what I’m a do with it, right?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“So, thanks as much as you can take.”

“You’re welcome, Emma…as much as you can take.”

“Where you goin’?”

“Back to school. It’s a little late in September, but they’re taking me anyway.”

She dropped her jaw, then bobbed her head and let her mouth stay wide open.

“Is that funny?” I asked

She shook her head. “Nah. Kind of sad more like. You going away to some school place and we be here same as ever looking to do what we want.” She took out her teeth. To tell the truth, it was kind of sexy the way she did it. “Little sugar for your long road?”

I shook my head and stood to go. “Emma, I truly don’t know if you’d be doing that for me, or if I’d be doing it for you. Either way…” I shook my head slowly back and forth, “…either way, we’d both be sad as hell when it was over.”

She put her teeth back in carefully. “You right.”

I turned to leave.

“Hey, you ever wonder what happens to us when other people come along?”

I thought for a moment. “Yeah. I do. I mean, I figure there have to be a lot of places you all know you can go to….”

She shook her head. “Not hardly. God is cruel and unknowing, Mr. Litter Man. You either take part in that or you miss out. And when you miss out, you might as well not even be living.” She gave me her big sly grin, then started to walk away. “Have a good enough life,” she said as she half turned back to me.

I raised a hand, then bent down to pick up a very nice, long cigarette stub. In the end, though, I left it lying on the edge of the walkway and went in the opposite direction. A few seconds later, I turned to see if Emma was watching me. There she was, picking up the stub I’d left, her blue lighter in her other hand.


Dog Cavanaugh is an Afro-Irish American author. He and his wife are based in Philadelphia.

REVIEW: Nancy L. Davis, “Ghosts”

Courtney Bambrick

Review of Nancy L. Davis, Ghosts

(Finishing Line Press, 2019)

By Courtney Bambrick

In her collection Ghosts, Nancy Davis presents a changing and challenging American landscape. Her poetic terrain is in turn at odds and at ease with history and wilderness. The first poem in the collection, “Sanctuary,” offers a glimpse of the layers of earth and time:

the dead are buried here.

contaminated fish bones compressed into

strata of an unintended geological age… (5).

Throughout the collection, we dig through that strata and examine the bones Davis unearths in poems that connect modern living to a pervasive but opaque past:

Like a mole, blind in its star-starved

pursuit of light–a tuberous longing

for air…

**********

Far up the hillside, a mausoleum

of memory haunts. Children play

in the dirt… (“Ghosts” 11).

Setting poems in both domestic and untamed places — gardens, forests, cities — allows Davis to reflect on the interactions of time and place and the uneasy balance between:

in the lake house on the bluff

a woman opens her door

peering out somewhere between

dusk and remembrance… (“Into the Garden: Dreamscape” 17-18).

Davis shows us a land that is as scarred and aching as our own bodies, and as vulnerable. Birth and death are visceral and natural — shocking, but expected. In the garden, for instance, new life may be possible:

…mounds of freshly shredded mulch:

hardwood pining for resurrection,

redemption (18).

While in the poem “Desire” Davis describes a bear, she might be describing the unconscious or the way memory asserts itself unexpectedly and without welcome:

All at once it appeared: barreling out of its musky secrecy,

voracious demeanor, ambling with surprising speed and grace

up the hillside. clawing madly with one massive, capable paw

at the foliage caught in its thick, black pelt (27).

 

The “invasion” is jarring to the poem’s speaker and to the reader, reminding us of the dangers we don’t often see beyond the edge of our backyards. The bear reminds us of other bears we’ve seen or read about in the news or in fairy tales: “…bear stories circled the valley/like hungry hawks.” They are familiar and foreign, “the most terrifying and exuberant,” and like our memories, they threaten damage, but might pass quietly if we are lucky.

As it expands personal memory to cultural or political memory, the poem “Firestorm: Checagou” connects histories and peoples to the physical earth through work and violence. Industrial and natural imagery vie for attention through the poem as through the collection. The dangers evolve and transform as time passes and the landscape reflects human manipulation.

A clear-eyed and open-hearted reflection on our place in the American landscape, Ghosts helps the reader navigate a relationship with the relentless but fragile natural world and reminds us of our proximity to both danger and safety.

 

Homage to John Coltrane

LKress_poetry

Homage to John Coltrane

Times when it got too tough to tame my toddler daughter,

we drove out to a place she called the indoor playground,

because it was—a gilded age mansion, mansard roof

and all, gutted and filled with toys, dolls, board games, fully

stocked, itty-bitty kitchens, soporific gliders.

The basement was jammed with scooters and trikes and big wheels,

bumper-to-bumper around oval lanes, casualties

off to the side bawling. It had my favorite things,

she said, as we motored through the city neighborhood

called Strawberry Mansion, turning on 33rd Street,

cruising by the onetime brick row home of John Coltrane,

the cynosure of a dilapidated quartet—

marked by a plaque visible only from the porch stoop.


Leonard Kress has published poetry and fiction in Missouri Review, Massachusetts Review, Iowa Review, American Poetry Review, Harvard Review, etc. His recent collections are The Orpheus Complex and Walk Like Bo Diddley. Living in the Candy Store and Other Poems and his new verse translation of the Polish Romantic epic, Pan Tadeusz by Adam Mickiewicz were both published in 2018. Craniotomy will appear this fall. He teaches philosophy and religion at Owens Community College in Ohio.

After Analysis

Jon Todd_poetry

After Analysis

What I meant to say was clear /

Corrupted.

Like, look at this comp

arison:

Says, no it’s late.

Eyes betray me, look I gave agency to flesh,

But what I meant to say was I exhausted myself

To pass out, to pass the time,

Twirling a cigarette to hail the darkness.

Always picturing movement,

Because what I’m trying to say is still / silence.

As if motivation is a secret,

Sugar secreting from a pear.

What I mean to say is two things coming together like a glance,

Like a glass of milk.

What I wanted to say was whiskey,

Sound of a crack opening bottles.

What I really mean is a door has multiple parts engaged in function.

What I really mean is I’m apart,

Indivisible sections laid out on a rug.

What I mean is some part of me would see these pieces, another part would just

bang them together to make sparks.

This reminds me of the wild,

& this is me not admitting it,

& this is isolation of myth,

& this is my exit.


Jonathon Todd is a poet and musician, living in South Philadelphia. His work deals with observations mainly written between breaks, trying to find humanity outside of and within labor. His work has been featured in Philadelphia Stories, The Lower East Side Review, and Shakefist Magazine among others.

Breaking 200

Doyle.headshot

Breaking 200

 “There is no time to think or savor the thrill of speed. And as you go down that strip, you don’t see anything. It is a no-man’s land.” – Don Garlits

 

Did it? Did it? Didn’t it? It did! By God, it did. Don Daddy did it. Big Daddy broke hot rodding’s barrier with a bam and a bale of smoke, barreling down the straightaway. Cheers from the bleachers. The rocket speed shock of the year we’d all been waiting for.

 

Did The Greek do it earlier in Illinois? All’s I can say is today the Chrondek clocks called it. In Great Meadows, at the Island Dragway, Big Daddy Don Garlits did it.

 

But it happened so fast—couldn’t see a damned thing. A shroud of fumes. Let’s pause. Take it back. Slowly now, back up the quarter-mile belt of tarmac. The Swamp Rat back across the starting line. The amber bulbs blaring again.

 

Now our rare hour—clear the area!—Daredevil Don, engine revving, raring to tear track. Slower, now, watch how the slick-wedge car’s back tires stir a whir of smoke, burning rubber. How, like an arrow, this 2000 horsepower nightmare dragster blasts down the blacktop, shatters the barrier, buries its challenger in vapor and exhaust.

 

Watch the parachute burst from the back. Watch the car break to a halt. Watch Don Garlits turn the wheel, drive back, rattling down the strip, his parachute dangling limply behind, his white glove waving from the glittering mist, already clearing it.


Sydney Doyle grew up in the Great Meadows mucklands near the Delaware Water Gap. She received her MFA from Johns Hopkins University and is currently a Doctoral Fellow in English/Creative Writing at the University of Louisiana-Lafayette. Her poems appear in The American Journal of Poetry, Canary, Waccamaw, and elsewhere.

 

Paternoster Lakes

Ryan Halligan_poetry

Paternoster Lakes

looking down on the Grinnell Valley, Glacier National Park, Montana

 

Five blue pools of water in the mountains

sewn together by strings of icy streams—

half-decade of the rosary, or full

if each bead counts twice.

Dammed by moraines dropped by moving masses

 

of ice, each could be its own mystery.

Above the green and red strips of sediment

lies a lonely frozen tarn that showers

the four beads below.

Snow drifts block its path from unsure footfalls.

 

But glacier lilies finish the prayer,

trail receding ice, lift the spring up slopes

with their golden crowns, delicate heads bowed

until dormancy,

when they’ll store the spark in bulbs.


Ryan is a writer living and working in the Philadelphia area.  He holds an MA in Writing Studies from Saint Joseph’s University and writes poetry and creative non-fiction. 

Greased Lightning

Lori Widmer_poetry

Greased Lightning

It’s like old times

the way we are laughing in

this dive bar, the smell of

stale fry oil soaked into

the wooden tables our

elbows stick to.

 

My friend is telling us about

the day the upper-class boy

popped her cherry—

 

only the details now are hilarious

and not heart-racing like

it was then, but the

way we are laughing, it’s

 

as though the decades hadn’t gone

anywhere and we were

those nubile, smooth-limbed does

burning simultaneously with

embarrassment and promise

 

when the world was at our

feet and we were too unsure of

how to tread—

 

The papers that year marveled at

balloon angioplasty and test tube

babies and the first successful

transatlantic balloon flight

 

and Jim Jones would change the way

we look at Kool-Aid forever—

 

but we were inventing our own vocabulary,

racy admissions whispered behind

hands, our heartbeats and the

ache between our legs matched the

 

hard rock thrums vibrating from the

muscle cars driven by boys with wild

hair and no inhibitions—

 

they’d drive by slowly, trying

out their best Kenickie come-ons,

we’d respond with Rizzo taunts

then turn away and lock arms, laughing

 

just as we are now, drunk on

the reflection we see

every time we close our eyes.


Lori Widmer is a full-time freelance writer and editor who writes for businesses and trade publications. She was nominated for the 2016 Pushcart Prize. Her work has appeared in various publications, including TAB: The Journal of Poetry & Poetics, Tipton Poetry Journal, and Philadelphia Stories.

Our Roof is the Nose of a Rocket

Pagliei_poetry

Our Roof Is the Nose of a Rocket

Our entire building hums,

as a beetle does before it takes to the air.

We break bread and give thanks and make things

with such frequency and repetition

that our awareness of time passing

is telescoping inward.

We’ll demand innocence,

but we know the hum,

this static-white-noise

in the field of our mind

is to remind us that

the ratio of life lived

to life left to live

has shifted

the first of many times.

Climb six flights of pre-war stairs

open the hatch to the roof so we

can drink green wine from flea market crystal.

It takes so little work to unhinge

there is little doubt that we are living doors.

We can calculate how concrete makes

geometric shapes between cities.

There is a cold front,

and coats are thin so we

cast a gaze across the skyline,

a play’s curtain.

Audacious, we cut holes

through and peek at the actors.

From the roof of that building

with it’s wild hum

like buzzing wings

we dopplar out

convinced that, tomorrow

we will lift avenues

and blocks and all

with only our will.


Christa Pagliei is a writer and media producer from Wyckoff, NJ living in Brooklyn, New York. A published poet and fiction writer, she co-created the podcast Lost Signal Society- a series horror/fantasy/sci-fi plays. Additionally, she’s a Film and TV professional working on shows like Succession, Sneaky Pete, Mr.Robot and many more.